Friday, January 30, 2015

The final countdown...

 Silly me... I thought there were only 5 stages of Grief. HA Nope there are 7. I seem to be stuck on 3 and 4 with a slight edging towards 5. There hasn't been a day yet that I havn't cried over Sochi Bear... It's getting less, but the thought of someone renaming MY baby just hurts, which leads to making me angry and in turn I get depressed and cry.

In all honesty I need to wrap my head around it and try and control myself better. I keep having to bottle it up and it literately is making my heart hurt. Or maybe it's just the muscles in my chest... seeing as my whole body it tight and tense from the cold and walking on ice and trying to fall.

Letting Sochi go has been the hardest thing I've done. And it's hurt me more and effected me more than any other dog I've ever had. In all honesty I can't ever see myself owning any breed other than a Newfie. Before letting Beary go all puppies where cute, loved all dogs the same... Hey a dogs love is LOVE no matter the breed or mixed muttyness of them. Now when I look at pictures and dream any other breed is oh that's cute but not for me... Trust me, I've always wanted several different breeds... Not anymore. 

I wonder if in dog lovers there is always that ONE breed that is ment for YOU. 

Where ever you might be Sochi Bear I LOVE YOU! You will always have a special place in my heart. 

Back to Stages 1 & 2

Here is the grief model we call the 7 Stages of Grief:
    You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
  2. PAIN & GUILT-
    As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

    You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
    Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

    You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
    Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

    During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

    More 7 stages of grief...
    As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
    As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
    During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

    You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

    You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Update on Sochi

Like anyone reads or cares anymore. But Sochi has found her forever home. With a lovely family with 3 kids. Oh how she will love that. She looks sad, but I think I'm just wanting her to look sad a miss me a little. She will adjust, she needed this. But I needed her.

I keep thinking I'll stop crying, the hurting and aching will lessen but it hasn't. Some I'm sure will say it's part of my punishment for my past sins. So be it. I've lost all feeling I am numb. I don't care, or feel anymore. 

People think Ive done the wrong thing, some the right thing. It was right, so many things I've done have been the right thing to do not to say it didn't hurt me or others. At some point you have to stop the cycle.  I may not have executed it right, but it was the right thing to do. Everyone and everything deserves wings to fly to be where and do what God created them for. Be it a person or animal. 

Now back to your regularly scheduled like. 

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Missing Sochi

I'm missing my girl something awful. It would almost be easier if she had crossed the rainbow bridge. However I had to give her up to a rescue. She will be better off with a family who can love and spoil her, let her be with them, run in a fenced in yard, play... LIVE life of a cable and neighbors thinking she's a bearing and now starting to fire warning shots at her. I have never been in a area of more idiots than I am now. Maybe I have but had more tolerance of it.

I wasn't able to do this. As I wasn't allowed to have her with me because she didn't have house manners... now HOW in the HELL can she learn to have manners if I can't teach while she's upstairs??? Other people called her bad, FOR BEING WHAT SHE AND HER BREED DOES!!! OH and she was mean and would hurt people. There wasn't a mean bone in her body!!! The constant you need to shock her with a shock collar, you need to have a pen (I WANTED A DANGED PEN!!!!)  but where ever it would have gone would have been in peoples way. Or spooked a certain horse.

God forbid she would come in contact with other certain people, she might brush up against them and cause lord only knows what kind of damage.

The last straw was when she was bored and pulled on a water hose that was attached to the hydrant that got pulled from the wall. was there water running all over the barn? NO, was the pipe cracked? NO, was it her fault that the hose got left where she could reach it? NO but oh the swearing and hype over an easy fix. But I was blamed and she was blamed. And so I got her to a place that would find her a home where she wouldn't be hit and taunted by others. That's how you teach a dog.

Sorry I don't believe in being cruel or hitting a dog to make them mind. And you can't make others listen, at least I can't. Besides I'm just the idiot. The idiot who lives with a man who doesn't like dogs, and I'm a person who can't (I do but it kills me inside) live without them.

I guess when I have a dog to love it makes me forget I can't have children. And that ache dulls when I have a dog to pour my love into. Sochi was the only thing in my life that didn't make me feel bad or ugly for being over weight, she never complained, never made fat jokes...

I've never in my life so bad about myself as I do now. I just want my baby back, and I can't. It would be selfish of me and I know it. I can't grieve about her being gone when a certain person is around. It's not allowed. So I cry in the shower, in the middle of the night, or when he is gone. My heart is so heavy...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

First Day

It's been a long 5 months of running over the hill, thru the woods, up a hill to help a friend with her chores following shoulder surgery. Yes I was paid to go, had I been closer I wouldn't have asked and in all honesty she wouldn't have not given me something.

However times are tough and she couldn't afford me anymore. In a way I miss our morning chats, in other ways... I'm FREE! It's amazing how an hour in the morning just does something to throw my world out of sync.

The stress this past year has been awful. Between my former job (I quit... never went back after rumors of me steeling when I wasn't there started going around. Getting in trouble for having over time, losing preemie calves, etc etc etc TOO MUCH!), going over twice a day for 2 months for horse chores, a new puppy (who is 90+ pounds at almost 9 months) the baler business and life in general. UGH I don't know how to act with not having to go places constantly.

Sochi "Bearha"

  The BABY at 8 months old... prefixed state. NO babies for this baby. I knew I couldn't ever sell puppies, no one would be good enough. And lord help me I would loose my mind with more than on at puppy stage.

Monday, September 22, 2014

There is a Difference...

A few days ago I share a status on Facebook. It had to deal with how God does not punish his children but rather disciplines us. 

Well this caused a comment to come about telling me there is not difference between Punishment and Discipline. And that I needed to read Proverbs 17.

I did read Proverbs 17 and also looked up the definitions of punishment and discipline. Well there IS a difference. EVEN in the bible it's not the same!!! If you look up punishment and then look up discipline the chapter and verses never are the same.

Also when looking  it up in the bible punishment is handed down by God mostly to nations or groups of people, where as discipline is for the Lords willing children. Maybe I'm all wet, I'm sure I am as I've always have been. However words and there meanings are important. If they meant the same thing why would we have two words with the same meanings?

In all honesty it hurt when I got the alert to the comment. Seeing as the same people want me punished by God and have told me time and again I will be. And YET they love me, worry about me, I don't understand nor do I try anymore. I can't live to please people and their opinion of the bible, I will answer to God in the end not anyone else.

Full Definition of PUNISHMENT

:  the act of punishing
a :  suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution
b :  a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure
:  severe, rough, or disastrous treatment

Examples of PUNISHMENT

  1. I took away my daughter's car keys as a punishment for her bad behavior.
  2. The punishments that the government has inflicted on the protesters are severe and unjust.
  3. The punishment for murder is life imprisonment.
  4. Some religions teach that wicked people will suffer eternal punishment in hell after they die.

Full Definition of DISCIPLINE

obsolete :  instruction
:  a field of study
:  training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character
a :  control gained by enforcing obedience or order
b :  orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior
c :  self-control
:  a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity
dis·ci·plin·al adjective

Examples of DISCIPLINE

  1. The teacher has a hard time maintaining discipline in the classroom.
  2. The troops were praised for their dedication and discipline.
  3. Some parents feel that the school's principal has been too harsh in meting out discipline.
  4. Keeping a journal is a good discipline for a writer.
  5. Sir Robert Peel is credited with creating the first modern police force, the bobbies, in London, in 1829, but the transformation of law enforcement, and especially forensic science, into a professional discipline was a haphazard affair. —Jeffrey Toobin, New Yorker, 7 May 2007   

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Another day...

Oh joy and thrill devine... I get to go deal with moody cows, then moody customers, and moody men all day...

Somedays it just doesn't "pay" to get up. Especially when you have a to do list a mile long and people like to keep adding things to it because your not busy or perhaps your just lazy in their mind. 

Just venting some here... 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Letting it out...

Some days you just have to let out all the hurt, frustration, tears that seem never ending.

I find myself depressed more than I'm happy (what a good example of Christ am I)! Days seem never ending, rolling one into another so that I can't tell what end is up.

You can only move forward, but how? How do you move when your stuck? Or feel it anyway.

All I wanted was love, a home, a family of my own... is that really so much to ask for? Guess so... All I've got is being used, can't have a "family" thanks to the one who was supposed to love and take care of me (was lifting to much heavy stuff after my surgery now I can't have kids because of it), and feeling worthless.

Time for a good cry in the shower. Some days I can take it... tonight not so much.